Dating coach and writer Amanda Blair shares tips on how to elevate your love life and evolve the experience into a sexy, conscious and powerful exploration where everyone wins.
While everyone loves the feelings of romance and being in love, dating can sometimes be a drag. There’s so many variables that can go wrong-- emotionally unavailable humans, ghosting, lack of spark or a variety of other factors. At times it can feel like the dating couldn’t possibly be fun or even a spiritual experience. But, dating can very much be both!
Now when I talk about spiritual, I mean it in the broadest sense of connecting deeply to oneself. The Divine lives in us after all and the way we find the deepest connection to something bigger is through understanding ourselves as much as we can.
Relationships are a mirror- they show us exactly where we are and what we need to strengthen in ourselves. This is all relationships, but in romantic relationships the mirror effect is tenfold because we are adding sex to the mix. Sex is our most vulnerable state, our deepest creative force and the ultimate union with another. It makes romantic relationships the most...entangled.
Having another mirror back where we are in this moment in time is extremely valuable for our personal growth. Dating will show us where our core wounds lie and give us a ready made situation in which to find healing. When we are triggered, it is our subconscious waving a white flag to let us know we’ve experienced pain here before and versus lash out to blame the other person triggering us it’s an opportunity to look inside, find the root of the trigger and heal it.
When we want to tap into the cosmic side of dating all we need to do is begin to look inside— here are a few of my favorite tools to use for deeper self discovery in love:
1. Do you know what you want out of a relationship?
List out what kind of partner you are looking for and get specific-- I got this tool from my mentor Lacy Phillips. Do you like red hair? Are you spiritual and want a spiritual partner? Do you want them to have an accent? Sky’s the limit! Put it all the list. This will help you get clear on what you want to make it easier to spot what you don’t want.
A. From that list, I want you to pick out items you can start working on yourself.
For example, I put I wanted my partner to speak two languages. I can start to learn another language! Often we think we have to wait for a partner to create this full life for us, but we are the creator of the life we want! Start becoming the partner you want to be!
2. Do you know your attachment style?
Attachment theory is that the way we attached to our parents is how we will attach to our future partners. Understanding how you will attach to your future partner will allow you to spot patterns that could have you feeling like a crazy person (you aren’t) and keeping you from finding a healthy, loving relationship.
A. There are three main attachment styles: two insecure and one secure:
- Anxious attachment (insecure): Seeks closeness, feels incomplete on their own and is very preoccupied with the relationship. Feels distress when away from their partner. Always maneuvering to get intimacy.
- Avoidant attachment (insecure): Finds safety in space. Likes to be “independent”-- think island. They don’t feel distress when away from their partner. Always maneuvering to keep people at a distance.
- Secure attachment (secure): Feels safe in relationships. Can easily trust themselves and others. Is comfortable being vulnerable-- attuned to their partners emotional and physical cues and know how to respond to them.
Use these tools to understand yourself better + the way you show up in relationships. This will help you determine what your patterns in dating are and once you have the awareness, you can create change and establish healthier patterns.
Now, how do you make dating fun? Lower the stakes! Often we put our worth outside ourselves and on to getting the right relationship and this makes all dating feel high stakes. By pulling our worth inside of us, where it belongs, we level the playing field. How do you do this? Create a full life that fulfills you. What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun? How are you adding pleasure (got this one from my girl Desiree) into your life? The moment you begin pulling your worth in and thereby lowering the stakes, dating can be fun as it will be only ADDING to your already full life, not creating the fullness.
When our lives feel full + fulfilling we can show up to potential new partners standing tall in our worth and projecting out a radiance that draws them closer because they will by dying to get closer to our shine.
½ tsp. Pine Pollen — potent libido enhancer!
½ tsp. Astragalus — to protect and enhance the Qi
½ tsp. Pearl— to enhance radiance
1 dropper of Shatavari Elixir— promotes energetic vigor
¼ cup red raspberry tea leaves— full of antioxidants and known to tone the muscles in the pelvic region
Brew red raspberry tea, strain out tea leaves
In a high speed blender, pour in hot tea + herbs, but leave out the elixir
Blend until combined
Pour into your favorite vessel and top with one dropper of elixir
Be prepared to feel your mojo rising! In joy!